I got my first grad job!! Looks like I’m going to move back to my uni city - now I have to battle the rental market amongst some social events and try not to be depressed that my free time as I know it has ended… 

Hinge is fuckin wild, everyone on there when I go to London ends up being some millionaire investment banker type?? please will the algorithm stop encouraging my silly and childish fantasies of getting taken around the world on a private jet thanks x

the mood is spending money because i’m convinced i need to be more social and want to have fun but it costs so damn much to travel on this godforsaken island

sacredcitycenter:

“I have no memory for things I have learned, nor things I have read, nor things experienced or heard, neither for people nor events; I feel that I have experienced nothing, learned nothing, that I actually know less than the average schoolboy, and that what I do know is superficial, and that every second question is beyond me. I am incapable of thinking deliberately; my thoughts run into a wall. I can grasp the essence of things in isolation, but I am quite incapable of coherent, unbroken thinking. I can’t even tell a story properly; in fact, I can scarcely talk…

- Franz Kafka

Tagged by @khodorkovskaya (Thank you, I love doing these lists! <3) 

1. Three ships: errrr I haven’t shipped anything for ages so going to go with Valoris (yes ik i’m probematic), Franklin x Fitzjames (The Terror <333) and Assente & Bernardo from The New Pope (they’d make a bad couple but i want them to be together because they’re both great, sue me)

2. Last song: Tak… Tak… To Ja by Obywatel G.C (I’m obsessed with Polish music atm and this song just encapsulates everything I love about the bands I’ve listened to! Super catchy, relatable lyrics, just a solid banger really)

3. Last movie:  Я шагаю по Москве (1964) Been meaning to watch this film for aaaages and finally got around to it last night. It’s a relaxing and carefree movie about friends walking around Moscow, talking about life and just enjoying their youth. Nothing much happens, at least in plot terms, but I came away from it with a desire to get out and enjoy life, which is always a good thing!

4. Currently reading: Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy. Wanted to read this for so long (a recurring theme in my life lol) and it’s not as difficult as popular opinion says it is. It’s a deceptively simple story about a woman in love with the ‘wrong’ man in a society that cares deeply about morality, so from the start you know it’s not going to end well. What I didn’t expect were the subplots, and they’re by far my favourite part of the novel. Levin living his cottagecore life and Kitty trying her best to find the good in people even when her own life is uncertain… 10/10 honestly. Anna herself isn’t a captivating character for me, but willing to believe that’s because I’ve read far too many ‘high society affair’ stories. 

5. Currently watching: Hmm… lots of Youtube videos I’ve had on my ‘Watch Later’ since last week. I just watched one on the Shrek films so clearly I’m using my brain power to the full? 

6. Currently consuming: Super strong breakfast tea, just had a nice vegan pain au chocolat (they exist! but not as good as the real deal, gotta admit). Late breakfast really… 

7. Currently craving: Money, a job, maybe a better social life or at least life in a city that doesn’t feel like a village lol. I miss Manchester so much, it’s one of those places that you don’t appreciate until you’re in a smaller city/town and have nowt to do!!

Idk who to tag so if you see this and want to do it, go ahead! It was fun :D

my whole life can be summed up as ‘having heated conversations about women with men because i can’t talk to women’ even though none of the men really listen and i end up frustrated at society and hierarchies and everything that happens between us all. it’s as if men are raised to ignore everything but the physical, or they’re so cut off from their emotions that they can’t even listen to someone else’s. it’s nobody’s fault but it’s frustrating… 

animentality:

antiwaif:

the almost contentious but intimate relationship between a woman and the book she’s been trying to read for a year

so it’s Christmas and as usual i’m dozing off the traditional British carb-fest… and i’ve come to the conclusion that next year i want to actually come out of my shell. so far i’ve tried to be more social and despite a lack of confidence it’s been v v fun, so i’m beginning to actually want to make the effort to go out and meet people. if shy, socially anxious 15 year old me could see me she’d probably call me a loser but i know she’d secretly be proud. idk what the point of this post is, other than to remind myself to work harder this year! 

it’s just hard to make friends, and it’s scary to know that it gets more and more difficult even for people more socially competent than me. maybe i’m autistic or something, idk, i just feel like every convo is a minefield, i can never get anything right. i try but then people are mean or dismissive and i never know what i did wrong… it’s just weird to think that my body is betraying me somehow, like my gestures or tone are signalling something i don’t actually feel. anyway, that’s something i’ve decided to work on. i guess i’ll try different things and if nothing works i’ll just settle for being alone - it’s not so bad and the friends i have are supportive and funny enough. i just want to be one of those people who just… works… socially, someone who can effortlessly talk to everyone and make people feel at ease. i like being direct and no-nonsense (yes very girlboss mmhmm) but people never take me seriously lmao. 

i’m surrounded by people who think they’re quirky and different when they’re all into Marvel movies and anime. i don’t want to judge - that stuff is popular for a reason, and i used to be the *biggest* weeb - but … it’s popular. you can discuss that stuff with anyone! meanwhile i still have so many genuinely strange crushes, interests and favourite films/series and i haven’t found many people who share that. the curse of being into weird shit is that there are few people you can talk to about it - and i *want* to talk about it, so badly!  Tumblr was so good back in the day because of that, but now i’m touching grass regularly (gasp) i prefer in-person friendships. 

anyway, it feels lowkey insulting to see people pretend to be ‘the weird kid’ when they’re not, and prob even made fun of people like me at school. and so many of these people just fit in without having to try, they find their groups and are so damn similar, style and life events and everything, until they all just blend into one homogenous whole. it’s cool but part of me wonders if i’ll actually enjoy that. i’m way too used to my own company and ideas; i want to share those but i’m not sure anybody is actually interested. people see me almost as a kid, because i look pretty young for my age, and my dress sense is … ‘creative’ (in a bad way). i don’t want to overhaul my entire personality and style but it really feels like i have to in order to get people to listen and like me. “just be yourself” works for folks who act normal and relatable, but ngl i feel like a total freak amongst other women. they all seem put-together in a way that makes sense, kinda poised and collected, like they’ve carefully curated their sense of self and society just accepts that. 

so yeah, to sum up this weird rambling post… i need to figure myself out next year, and once more i’ve gotta try and make friends. i get bogged down with considerations and hypotheticals but i never actually *try*, and somehow it took me 10+ years to notice this??? 10IQ i swear. it’s appropriate that my Tumblr handle is ‘dima’ because like him circa present day i’m a mess :))

ngl i miss those days where RusPol was just something with a funny fandom and not the utter mess it is today …